A Christmas Message, From Me To You
Dear “Family”,
It is that time of year again.
I suppose you would like me to say that the “holidays” are coming up — but I WON’T say that because I don’t subscribe to the PC culture that has made so many of you mindless clones. No offence, although, knowing the “victim attitude” of many of you, me offending you would be a great CHRISTMAS gift! And this is, make no mistake, a CHRISTMAS letter. This year I decorated both of my pied-à-terres in late September, so everyone knows exactly where I stand in the culture war that is currently ruining the world and giving me I.B.S / stress-induced jawline acne.
I would like to point out that when I say “acne”, I mean a whisper of imperfections. NOTHING like the cystic situation that I saw on Judy’s latest Facebook profile picture. My lord! (who I will celebrate whenever I want, no matter what Starbucks has to say about it. Though, I do always appreciate Starbucks gift cards for CHRISTMAS. Not because I cannot afford my half-fat-half-soy-half-sugar-half-sweetener latte, but because I collect the gift-cards and turn them into stylish chandeliers! (!) (!) )
Where was I? Oh yes, Judy! How do you think mother would have felt if she had lived long enough to get a Facebook account and see how positively reckless you are with the photographs you “share” like they are the black plague, itself? Have you ever heard of finding your light? Or perhaps finding your best angles? If there are any angles to be found! (!) (!) Just because you love dogs, doesn’t mean you have to become one! Do you remember when you were pretty? Oh, the good old days, as “they” say!
Joking aside, obviously, I haven’t decorated my main home because my rabbi absolutely LOVES to come around and eat my potato kugel. The ladies at synagogue say that rabbi only comes over because I am fabulously wealthy, but I say, if they spent less time being jealous of me and more time practising their kugel recipes, I wouldn’t the favourite by quite such a wide margin!
I have the most fascinating conversations with the rabbi. For instance, did you know that people are homeless, even at CHRISTMAS? Just think about that for a second. Whilst you are all sitting around stuffing your faces and loosening you belts in-front of Dallas or what-have-you there are people who won’t even have canned cranberry sauce, let alone fresh! Is Dallas still on? As you know, I haven’t had, neigh seen, a television in years! (What can I say, I guess I just like to read books and enrich my mind!) As you know, I am a firm believer that the kindness in your heart is directly proportional to the beauty of your face (my dear friend Arrow Root taught me that at a wonderful ashram called “Souls Whisper”). I know this to be true because my neighbour Chantey never recycles properly and she has terrible psoriasis.
So I will be making 400 jars of my world famous cranberry sauce and distributing them to every homeless person I see from now until December 24th. I will even be handing out some of my Starbuck chandeliers — because really, I know being homeless is rough, but do their “areas” always have to look so grim? On CHRISTMAS day I will be at our local food shelter handing out some divine cashmere sweaters that I no longer need, owing to them being too big (I know, I know, how do I keep getting slimmer? It certainly can’t be genetics judging on some of the photos you, my dear family, have sent me over the last year!). When we have finished up at the food shelter, us “girls” are going for a truly gorgeous sounding buffet; salmon, duck, glazed ham, artisan cheeses. Doesn’t that just sound wonderful? No doubt I will be hungry from the good work and generosity of spirit I will have shown in the day. You must look after yourself sometimes — because, ultimately, isn’t helping others really helping yourself?
In family news. My dear Anouk continues to astound me with her charitable work; she makes a humanitarian like myself look like a lazy TV addict (no offence)! As you know, she was recently in the Outer Hebrides introducing those affected by the opioid crises to the life-changing magic of fine fragrance. Whilst it is too much to ask that they have the sophistication to truly appreciate the nuances of exquisite fragrance, it is so heartwarming that people like Anouk try. She is now part of a wonderful charity named “Deplorable Housewives” which helps women from all around the western world find what wine would best suit their palettes. So many people just blindly drink wine and it is tragic that, until now, there has not been a charitable endeavour to help them get the very best experience from it. That’s my darling Anouk, always on the front-lines. My dear friend Arabella (who I met on a wonderful meditation retreat called “Owning Your Inner Oprah”) calls Anouk a “thought leader”, isn’t that so apt?
And, as you would have surely heard (and seen), my Alphi is a star! He is a viral sensation and I just could not be prouder. His video “Drunk Man Tries to Cook his Own McNuggets” has been seen by if you can believe it, almost 16 million people. And didn’t he look so slim in the footage! He always had a real knack for the arts, but in my wildest dreams I couldn’t have believed that he would become a “meme”. You guys should know all about memes, seen as you are from the “me me” culture. Alphi has come to international prominence… and so soon after he fell victim to the bias judicial system and was unfairly punished for “attacking” and “brutalising” that antagonistic man dressed as a hot-dog outside that awful hot-dog stand. Alphi was coming off a vegan cleanse if anything he should have been applauded for standing up against the industrial factory farming industry!
I would invite you over to my new home for the CHRISTMAS season, LORD knows there is enough room, but I recently had a furniture/space spiritualist come and assess the vibrational frequency of the area. She said it was probably best not to allow negative energy through the front door or people with “bad ju ju”. You understand.
Happy Christmas,
Amelia Detteral, BA (reike studies)