Hello Dear Family,
It is me, little old Amelia here with my yearly update on my comings and goings!
Of course, I have spoken to many of you recently. Apologies for all that nastiness, once again. Upon reflection, it was probably not prudent of me to give away your personal and financial details to a guru I did not know all that well. I trust that you know my heart was in the right place. If ever there were people who could ‘do with’ some spiritual enlightenment it is my family and I didn’t want any of you to miss out on the opportunity.
Even now, I have no idea what he thought he stood to gain from stealing any of your identities! Perhaps he saw me and assumed you were all equally wealthy, an easy mistake to make as I hardly scream ‘new money’. I suppose that one of the benefits of mismanaging your finances is that you have nothing of real value to steal. See, every cloud has its silver lining, even your recent bankruptcy, James! I would offer to replace the ‘savings’ many of you lost during the process, but as I’m sure you are aware — there is a cost of living crisis and I am trying to cut back on frivolous spending. Ho hum, hindsight is twenty-twenty, much like my vision which remains perfect, a miracle at my age, but I suppose when you have trained your eyes to see the spiritual truths of the world, they remain sharp and unencumbered by age.
Speaking of the cost of living crisis (which is, I’m sure you’ll agree, such an unhelpful phrase; surely we should be thriving, not just living, it is that kind of small-scale thinking that keeps some people trapped in their lazy ways) I have weathered the storm remarkably well. Upon learning that my neighbour Chantey, who you’ll all remember has the terrible psoriasis, was behind on her remortgage payments, I offered to buy her house for a very reasonable price. I would have hated to see her homeless, of course. I know, I know, I’m too charitable, it is one of my biggest faults!
Once my name was on the property, I got the builders to work and it now houses ten ‘cubicle’ apartments that are tres chic! In many ways, Chatey’s is the chicest. To my surprise, it seems renters aren’t even that concerned with having bathrooms and even prefer ‘tiny living’, so I am now, rather unexpectedly, a landlord! An upside to this is that I am able to pass on my spiritual wisdom to the younger generation. Just this morning, a young tenant came to my door and said “I can’t live like this anymore”. I sat her down and explained that one can “live with” much more than one feels capable of if they only learn to view their glass as half-full rather than half-empty. She seemed happy with that and it was so gratifying to see her tears dry right up! Young people can be so sensitive, but the Lord knows they are teaching me even more patience. Unlike James, it seems that I have a mind for business and am even considering buying some more buildings in the city! I have learned that these are called fixer-uppers, which is a fabulous term to describe many of you, perhaps you should start to think of yourselves as derelict buildings.
In family news, my darling Anouk is back ‘in the real world’ after the unpleasantness last year. As I said to the judge at the time, she had never even heard of a pyramid scheme, let alone known how to start one! Is it a crime to provide women the opportunity to have their own businesses? She simply wanted every person to experience the joys of perfume based on their favourite wines. I am simply in despair of the justice system in this country. You would not believe how many friends Anouk made in the direst of circumstances and she now knows more people in the city than ever before; plus, they have such creative names like “Snake Eyes” and “Satan”. My little angel is now quite the ‘leader of the pack’! And so slim after her ‘stint’! If I had any weight to lose, I might even consider falling a foul of our corrupt courts, but as you will see in the attached photos, I am slimmer than ever, even as my spiritual self is at its most muscular.
Alphi is, as always, such a hoot! It amazes me how he manages to go ‘viral’ every year. The video of him falling off the Party Boat into the River Thames has apparently become a firm favourite on the internet and he is quite the celebrity. Of course, I was not initially impressed that he would be on a boat with “prince” Harry and his “wife”, but when I hear people cheer and clap at my son’s presence, I feel a pride that far outweighs any misgivings I have about his choice of company. Alphi the star! They say he only survived because he had imbibed so much alcohol, but we all know that he barely touches a drop of liquor, so I suppose his horse like constitution is a bafflement to even medical science! Like mother, like son, never an ill, or dull, moment between us!
I would usually be going to the homeless shelter on Christmas Eve, but because of the cost of thriving crisis, I have made the difficult decision to go to a “side hustle” seminar instead. If I don’t help myself first, how will I help anyone else? Also, it is easier to get to the airport from the conference centre (I am going to Aruba for four weeks to ring in the New Year!)
I trust all is well with you, please don’t try to contact me as I am going on a digital cleanse (this includes mail).
Many Thanks
Amelia Detteral, BA (reike studies)